Songs at our side
by summerlove1
Summary: "He swore to himself that the moment she woke up. He would tell her, he would tell her everything..." 14,282 words of Kensi and Deeks' love with the help of the songs on my iPod. There's a story behind it all, full of drama. Enjoy!


Kensi and Deeks, I've had a little fun writing this, I know it's a little unrealistic (and by a little I mean a lot) but I just had to :P enjoy! :) I started writing this was before neighbourhood watch but it doesn't follow the story that much, give it time to get into it and I hope you'll love it ^_^ I have been in hospital recently otherwise I would have posted this sooner

If any one wants to write a story with the same rules I'd love to read it xx

Rules:  
Put your iPod on shuffle

for whatever song comes on write a little story on the meaning of the song related to the characters you have chosen.

All mistakes are mine (In which my laptop keys are bad so repeated words occasionally happen) but hey, I'm just testing your spelling ;)

Also a big thanks to R. for proof reading this, sorry it took me so long to post it, she's an amazing writer so check her out!

Kensi and Deeks

**Hit me with your best shot/ One way or another (Glee cast) **

**Well you're a real tough cookie with a long history  
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me  
That's okay, lets see how you do it  
Put up your dukes, lets get down to it!**

"Please I could have any girl I want, Kens. Don't think that I couldn't" It was 7:30am. The time Kensi and Deeks would have their usual arguments about something as petty as what colour the sky was. It was a known time round the office and many people would clear out the way, but stay in hearing distance at all times.

"Elmo has more moves than you. No, a fly would have more moves than you" Kensi retorted walking in and over to her desk in which she took a sip of her coffee and put it down on the desk. Deeks mirrored her actions.

"Hey, Elmo was big with Mrs. Piggy back in the day. Besides she was so digging me"

"more like repulsing you. What was with those lines? You could never win anyone over with those"

"I won you didn't I?" He smiled and turned on his laptop before turning to face her looking all smug.

"No, Deeks, you did not win me over. Hetty put me with you. There is a distinguishable difference." Laughing she to turned to face him.

"Come on, Kensi. You're telling me you are not remotely attracted to this?" He pointed at him self taking on the sense of humour only Deeks had. But this just caused her to burst out laughing, flinging her head back with pure humour.

"Not they reaction you want to hear from a girl"

"Face it; You are not the great Romeo you make yourself out to be"

"Oh that is why her number is written on the back of the receipt?" He waited for the perfect moment to throw the killer line. She stopped laughing suddenly, staring at him in shock.

"The coffee girl gave you. _You_. Her number?" His look was again that smirk that was often signature to him.

"See for yourself" He pulled the Receipt from his top pocket and floated it right in front of her, gloating at his successes. Snatching it from him her face fell, hoping that somewhere the gods would hear it and make this a joke. This could not be.

"And then there was silence" Resting his hands on the back of his head he smiled to himself. "Deeks one, Kensi zero."

She shoved the receipt back to him and glared.

"I can't believe you." She stared in disbelief. "No, I can't believe her. Is she desperate or something?"

"Ok that one hurt. Right there" He patted his heart still smug he had won.

"You're annoying."

"But you love me"

The argument was mute. There was no point. She turned to do her work ignoring the remarks he still continued to make. But something inside her was burning, The pit of jealousy? _No, _She thought. _It was because he had won. For now._

**Ed Sheeran, where we land**

******do I love you? Do I hate you? I can't make my mind. So lets free fall and see where we land.**

do I love you? Do I hate you? I can't make my mind. So lets free fall and see where we land.

The evening sun lay lazy and absent over the soft golden beaches. The water rippled softly on the sandy edge and the absent sky was turning a soft pinky orange. Everything was silent, peaceful, gave time to think.  
This was what agent Kensi Blye, NCIS, was spending the little time she had now doing. So much had happened and so much needed to be said and yet here she was, just thinking.  
It had been a long day, not really different than any other, except from one small aspect, and that was bugging her beyond any up most belief.  
Sighing she pushed a piece of her cobalt brown hair behind her ears. Almost just like he did a few hours prior, but this time she didn't think much of it as it was not him doing it, it made no difference to her.

"_Hey Fern, fancy a celebratory beer?"_

It seemed so harmless and yet those words could have just changed it all. It had been a hard mission, and it had gotten to Kensi. It was rare she would show her emotion on her case but this one affected her. After bringing justice to her Father she thought that moving on would be easier, the chip on her petite shoulders would fade, and only the memories her Father gave her would remain. But then they got this case, a young girl, 16, just wanted her father back. He was a Navy seal, taken from her and missing. They had used her and got the information her Father had been hiding out of her. And then shot her, just like that. She had just about survived and they just about managed to catch the criminals but seeing her there was undeniably one of the most torturous sights she had let her eyes succumb to; she knew that if it wasn't for Deeks standing right there she would have choked up a sob. But Kensi Blye was Brave, Kensi Blye was strong. And Kensi Blye would never let a case get the better of her.

But then there was Deeks who would make it his goal to make her feel better. He could see past the "I'm fine" and the smiles. He saw her, and he saw the look on her face when she saw the young girl in comatose, and he knew that the memories of her father were there. He knew Kensi hated it when he tried to comfort her, she had the whole act planned out and it worked on everyone else, but as soon as she let her wall down to him he knew he would have to be there. And he was, every time, because that's what partners are for. So he took her out for a beer. Seemed harmless. Was it? No.

"_Deeks. Thank you" She smiled with a look that would melt. She took a sip of her beer and placed it on the bar with a sigh. "When I saw the girl there today… I-I… I just wanted to catch the guy who did that to her so badly it made my chest hurt .I know you understand though. You always do. Thank you."_

_He smiled at her, himself taking a sip of his beer. "That's what partners are for" The loud music of the Bar blazed in the background, games of pool blazed in the corner and the conversations were loud and full of life. He stared at her in a way he only could with Kensi and then smiled his cheeky grin. "I know you'd be there for me" With instinct he reached for her hand and squeezed it before he realised what he was doing. It was too late, the moment was there and the rush of chemistry caused her to flutter inside. It was like nothing before and yet, she knew what it was. It was their 'thing'_

He had made a joke to stop the feeling. She had laughed and then they stared at eachother. They both knew that eachother had felt it and that was the worst part. They were not supposed to have moments like that. And that was what began to annoy her, dig at her insides. How could Marty Deeks, LAPD, do that to her? She was strong, just not with him. It was trust, it was honesty. But with that look, maybe something more.

He took another sip of his beer, not looking into those eyes of hers, knowing that if he did he could not refuse her. And that was what made it worse for her she realised as she sat on the empty beach in the dying sun, was how he too was trying to deny this.

**Adele – one and only**

**You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day, I lose myself in time, just thinking of your face**

The day he decided her smile was the best he's ever seen was the day she became known as fern. He had said a snide remark, and at that moment a laugh had escaped her revealing perfect white teeth that those rose lips shaped perfectly. It was enough to make you skip a heartbeat, just a smile, that's all it was and yet, he felt like it was the most beautiful sight e would ever see.

The day he decided that her kick was the fiercest was the day she kicked those French agents where the sun don't shine. Yeah he knew she was strong, really strong, but seeing that made him visibly wince. He was glad he was him and not the baguette eating liar rolling on the floor. He knew she was strong, but since that day he also knew that she was ruthless. God damn was she ruthless.

When He found out about Jack, he saw that she had this whole side about her that not even Callen and Sam, who had known her the longest, knew about. She had so many things from her past that she left untold because she knew it would hurt her so much. And that hurt him, that he couldn't stop these memories from going away, he couldn't sort it out for her. Watching someone you care for hide thoughts to save tears was unbearable. And there she was, nearly in tears over Jack. Something in his stomach was raising up and it made him want to run to her and tell her it would be ok, that he would try and fix it. But he knew he couldn't and that is why, from that moment he decided that he would do everything in his power to fill her life with new, happy memories, to counter act the bad ones. Because that is what you so when you care about someone deeply. And he did.

And it was the moment she was waiting at the hospital holding his badge and wearing his watch he realised that she cared deeply too. By that point they were secure partners, they felt safe around eachother and had a trust just as strong as Callen and Sam could. But it was that moment when he pretended not to know her that he saw the look in her eye, genuine worry, sadness. Affection. And it was this that made him see that agent Kensi Blye, badass, thought of him as someone she cared for. It was something that made him realise that he was with Kensi, they were on the same wave length almost. It felt good.

Every day he learnt something new about her, from something she had hidden and only trusted with him, to the things he would notice about her that had never crossed his mind. It was what he thought about when he woke up in the morning, and it was his last silent thought before he succumbed to sleep. She was his every thought and how she amazed him.

It was always the little things that hung with him. Like How much Black skinny jeans made her ass look _amazing, _or how she happened to love monster trucks and watching it with small innocent Nell. But it was the big things he appreciated knowing, the big things that only he was trusted with. And he could safely say he was glad, that for all this, that she was his partner.

**Ships in the night –Matt Kearney **

**Like ships in the night, you keep passing me by. We're just wasting time, trying to prove who's right…**

He could admit that Kensi Blye was his favourite book to read.

"_I'm fine" _She had said once again, looking down trying not to make eye contact with his baby blues. "I think I'm going to head home" But he was not having any of it. Caring for someone as much as he did for Kensi he was not going to let them sit alone when they were like this.

"So let me come with you" He had said. "We could watch Top model and housewives of Michigan – or wherever it is. And then talk about our feelings and gossip about was Stacey did" He joked but immediately wished he hadn't. It was not a time to do so and as a pitiful result she just rolled her eyes, half sick of the games.

"Night Deeks" She had murmured and then, like that, he let her walk by.

The couch seemed like the only home she would want. Wearing overly large jumper of Deeks and leggings she collapsed onto it, wrapping her knees up against her head. It even still smelled like him despite it being hers for a few months now. He had left it here one time and, well; she never got the strength to return it. She had said the deadly phrase once again to him. _I'm fine. _She knew she was certainly not fine and she knew that he knew that too. Taking a sip of the cold beer that lay on her cluttered coffee table she sighed. It was nothing, really. But today when she and Deeks were walking along the sandy shore, pretending to be a couple to follow the 'missing' commander, everything had felt so right. Her hand fit perfectly next to his large rugged ones. It had sent a spiral of chemistry between them and though hey silently chose to ignore it with everything they had, it felt good. Really good. Something felt just so right about it until then, just like that, a blonde had walked by. Her hot body was shaped in all the right places and that costume left very little for imagination. And just as she did, he dropped Kensi's hand to show they were not a couple. All it took was some slut and that made her feel worthless towards him. He didn't feel anything towards her – and that killed her because she most certainly did, no matter how much she would deny it. And then, they lost the commander as they had been distracted. They had messed up because she let her feelings come before a case.

The TV remote lay next to her and she decided to turn it on just to watch the pictures and places move across the screen. But it caused to be neither the source of entertainment nor a distraction. Instead the darkness in the room felt like a demon crawling on her. Why could they never match their feelings? A path that will never cross, but maybe it was better that way.

The doorbell rang. Sighing she got herself up with begrudging energy and padded towards the door, opening it.

"Hey…" His voice was mute as he saw her expression. He stood there, quite awkwardly with beer and some turkey sandwiches.

"Deeks…" She whispered. Right there she just wanted to hug him. They had met on something; he understood what the _I'm fine_ meant.

"So, can I come in?" He asked and she moved aside smiling at him "So, has hoarders not contacted you yet? Or are they saving you for a big season finale or something?" A laughed escaped from her. She closed the door and sat back on the couch, staring at him.

"Make yourself at home" She smiled, gesturing to the couch, he obliged.

"Hey, isn't that my jumper?" Asking, he cracked open two beers.

"I was cold" She shrugs. But he knew that wasn't the real reason. It was a comfort thing, and it made him feel good, that she felt comfortable around him.

"So are you going to tell me what happened today, Kens, or are you just going to be _fine _with it all?" He stared at her, just taking her all in.

"It… it was nothing, just being childish, that's all" She said, taking a sip of her beer.

"Tell me" He said with assertion, yet it was not in an aggressive tone but the opposite, it soothed her that he wanted to make sure she was ok.

"Don't laugh, Ok?" She asked. "But when that blonde walked past today on the beach and you started to check her out, I don't know, it annoyed me. And then we lost the guy because I had let me…being annoyed… get in the way." Sighing she looked at him. What was he thinking right now? His expression was one of no emotion, the only thing she could tell with her sheepish eyes was that he was contemplating, thinking about what she had said.

"We still caught the guy, Kens" He tried, hoping to focus on that more than the fact of her…annoyance.

"Yeah, but we could've got him sooner if I hadn't…"

"No, if I hadn't been unprofessional" He shifted awkwardly in his seat then took a long sip of his beer. "Is there, err, a reason why you were…jealous?" He asked hoping not to put her on the spot. But something inside him just needed to know, did she feel the way he did towards her?

"…It's because you are my partner Deeks. Who said I was jealous anyway, I was annoyed that's all." She dropped his gaze and just like that she fought the feelings again despite knowing that every time another blonde would come along, or another brunette or French girl, she would have to fight it just as hard. Staring at her beautiful face for a second later he knew, just knew that they felt the same way.

But he also knew that she would do everything to deny that. So once again they let it pass by. Let all the time they spent getting so close, and then felling apart again, run through their systems it was tiring so why did they bother at all?

**Ryan Star – Losing your Memory-**

**The damage is done; the police are coming too slow now**

**I would have died, I would have loved you all my life**

You're losing your memory now…

Stars shined in the clear sky, holding onto the earth and watching down like lost souls keeping the ones in need on their journey. The breeze, though not that one that could be considered cold, had a crisp edge, and on the beaches it became solemnly worse.

She shivered next to him. Why wouldn't she in a dress that short. A lot of skin was showing over her body, but then again, it was Hetty's choice of clothing. She tried not to show how cold she actually was but it held no avail. Her arms wrapped round eachother and her body was shaking slightly as she crouched behind the rock with her partner.

They were undercover and Her job was done; she had lead them out with just one look. She had lead them so that they were cornered.

"Do you want my jacket?" He murmured, his eyes not leaving the suspects who were appearing in the horizon. Three guys, the ring leader in the middle and the other two just looked like protection.

"N-no thanks, Deeks, I got to go back out in a minute" She sighed as her teeth began to chatter.

"No you don't, we got them where we want them, and we'll just jump on them. Please just take it." He looked at her for just a second and then took off his jacket and wrapped it round her. She sighed instantly, letting her body relax as the heat he had created wrapped round her.

"Thanks" She smiled in the darkness "But still, I have to go out there in a few minutes, we need to get them to confess before we can arrest them."

She really appreciated the gesture and she began to feel warmer almost instantly and slowly she began to stop shaking. With this, she checked her gun then glanced at her watch were the tape recorder was also planted, so tiny in the battery. The men reached the middle of the dark beach with the only light coming from the promenade cafe lights.

"I have to go now, everything is set." She got up and began to walk off.

"Be careful, Princess" He spoke and she smiled inwardly "I've got your back." With that she turned towards the promenade to look like she had just walked that way.

They spotted her instantly as she began to head their way and the ring leader, Rico, smiled and shooed the back up to move further away and they went by a rock.

"Antonia, my dear." He spoke, reaching his arms out in delight as some sort of gesture. "What interesting choice of jacket." She cursed inwardly; she'd forgotten to take it off, rookie mistake.

"I was cold" She shrugged. "I 'borrowed' it from the back of a chair on the promenade, I thought they wouldn't mind." He seemed to buy it and laughed.

"Ahh, nothings wrong with borrowing things from time to time" He smiled at her. "Speaking of borrowing stuff, Antonia, do we have the use of the warehouse? I hate to cut to the chase but we have limited amount of time..."

"No need to worry Rico, you have the use, but can it be made clear is it just… the nuclear arms?" Her voice dropped to a whisper.

"Yes yes, I thought we had gone over this…"

"What is it you intend to do? Just mild curiosity, after all it is my warehouse" She took a step closer to him, using her seductive tone. The two men at the side seemed to grow wary but they were shrugged away. Something changed in his eyes and she cursed inside, she'd been too foreword.

"I will tell you, after all you should know, if it may be the last thing" He flashed a cobalt gun and He pressed it against her

"I know it isn't your warehouse, Antonia, if that's even your name." He laughed "What are you? LAPD? FBI? CIA?"

"NCIS, and don't even think about it…"

In an instant she kicked the gun from against her and again kicked him in the groin. With pain he fell to the floor. She pulled out her own gun as the two other men mirrored her, running towards their boss. More of his guys appeared following by Deeks and fellow NCIS agents.

"KENSI! The liaison officer shouted. Running towards her around the fight that was forming around them between NCIS and the cartel. She shot the first guy in a matter of seconds, but the second drew his gun and pointed it instantly at her.

The bullet raced through her, hitting her instantly in the chest taking every ounce of breath away. She saw him drop down moments later, but the blood seeped through her chest as she clutched where the bullet had ripped through her skin, creating a pool on the jacket.

His jacket.

Everything felt numb, weak. She could hear her name around gunfire but did not acknowledge it. She could not. Every thought flew across her mind. He flew across her mind, if only she had told him, she wanted to right there and then but no breath came to her. Hands were red and legs were weak, she heard him one last time before she fell to the ground and like that, everything was gone.

Only darkness remained.

**(A/N) Ok I did get this song next after the one below but it goes so much better here, no hate ^_^)**

**Placebo/ Kate Bush – Running up that hill**

**And if I only could Make a deal with God,  
and get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,  
be running up that hill,  
and be running up that building.  
If I only could, oh...**

Her heartbeat was the loudest sound in the room. Just that rhythmic beep to tell him that she was alive. Barely. His own heart beat along with it as he counted the breaths she took with fear that if he tore his eyes away from her sleeping physique the worst could happen. He should have had her back; he said he would, so why was she lying here in this lifeless room engulfed by wires? He had let her down and now, the worst of consequences had occurred.

Her badge was in his hand and he non existently caressed it with his thumb, and her watch rested in his other hand, it ticking along silently.

Is this how she felt when he was shot all those months ago? Like nothing else could make you feel as low as you did at this moment? If he lost her he would have lost everything. She was his everything. If only he had told her, not only as a friend but as a lover, a confidant, the one person he could trust. If only she knew how much he cared and just how much he was grateful for god or Aslan for blessing him with having such a partner as Kensi.

She was so strong but just looking at her like that, the way she was just lying there with not even as much as a smile on her face made his heart physically ache. How much he wished that he could see one of those toothy grins just one more time.

But if he was going to wish for something, he would wish he could switch places with her, That it was he who had got shot, again. He just wanted to protect her but obviously he had failed. She hated playing the damsel in distress anyway but that did not mean he shouldn't save her when she needed him the most. He had failed and now all he wanted was for her to be ok. He swore to himself that the moment she woke up. He would tell her, he would tell her everything.

Walking over to her he stared at her silent silhouette, then reached his hand softly to her face and slowly stroked her cheek. The doctors said they didn't know when she would wake up in the next 48 hours – it could even be longer. The damage tore through her muscle and just missed he heart. But it had caught her ribs. He shuddered at the thought. He stared at her for a little longer taking in her every feature and every scent before going back to his chair and getting into the comfiest position. He was not going to leave her sight for one minute – well, except to use the bathroom. But he could not bear to leave her, it would be wrong; moreover, his heart probably couldn't take it. Sighing he again began to caress the badge; it was going to be a long night.

"Go home, Mr Deeks" Hetty spoke the morning later. The liaison officer had not left her side since the accident. He was unshaven, hungry and sleep deprived (Apart from the bit he could get on the arm chair) but still he refused to leave. Eventually she gave in and just brought him some food and company, but it was clear to her that the only company he wanted was lying lifeless in the bed opposite.

Visitors came and went over the next three days. Sam, Callen, Eric and Nell, Her Mum had flew back from her holiday a day early to be there. But even at her visit he never left her. It amazed her that this young man thought so strongly of her daughter. She knew that Kensi was in good hands with him.

It was at 3:14 am when she had awaken with a gasp which pain eventually succumbed her to stop. The medication was wearing off but she was still drowsy.

"Kensi? It's ok I'm here" He spoke the moment those eyes opened. Rushing to her side he took her hand.

"D-Deeks?" She said, slowly turning her face to meet his affectionate stare. Relief washed through him as he softly squeezed her hand.

"Yes, I'm here, and I'm not going to leave."

"Y-you look a s-state" She murmured and he laughed.

"You don't look too good yourself, you know being shot and all." He looked at her. "I'm so sorry Kensi; I said I had your back, I…" He felt himself choking up and he took a deep breath.

"No, Deeks, You had my back. It w-was you who shot him down before he c-could finish m-me. It w-was you I heard. You shouted my n-name."

Yeah that was me, Princess." He stared affectionately at her, caressing her soft hand. "Kensi, there's something I want to tell you…" But again she closed her eyes.

"…mmhhmmmm…" She spoke, not fighting the new pain medication that had been shot through. He sighed and then drew himself away from her.

"I'll tell you again soon when you wake up, Kens. I'm really glad your ok." He squeezed her hand one last time before stepping into the doorway to alert a doctor she was awake.

"Sleep tight, I love you."

**The Lazy song – **

**Today I don't feel like doing anything  
I just wanna lay in my bed  
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone  
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything**

They sat, back in her scruffy apartment sipping beer and watching TV, Deeks choice this time. Her feet rested over him and she was resting her head on the arm of the chair. It looked like she was about to doze of any moment but he didn't mind, it had been a hard month. The shooting was three weeks ago now and this week was her first back at work. Just by the way she looked now he could see she was still in discomfort, but in was Kensi, she wanted to be back at work as quickly as possible.

But this was nice, just lying here with her. Over the last few weeks they had become closer than ever before. When she came back from the hospital he still didn't leave her side, only when he was succumbed to work did he leave her. Sure he had commitments other places but the majority he got out of just to be with her, and she really appreciated it.

They had formed their little habits. At first when she was still in a lot of pain, he would arrive with take out and beer and they'd sit in front of the TV, fighting over what they were to watch. But he was not just going to let her live of one meal of take out a day so he began to cook for her, which surprised her as he was an AMAZING cook. She loved the smells that would some from her kitchen on a night. People sometimes visited her during the week and her Mum checked up on her but for the majority of it she was alone, and she really appreciated what Deeks was doing.

When she began to get a bit healthier again he brought over Monty and they went on a few walks round the block. They would talk about everything, nothing. It all seemed to be going well. And so when she went back to work a few days ago neither could shake the habit of not seeing eachother on a night now. Her lazing around in one of his old hoodies and drinking beer and he watching TV as she slowly fell asleep next to him. They were being lazy. But they would have it no other way.

**Greenday – Good riddance (Time of your life)**

**It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right,**

**I hope you had the time of your life…**

She was so much like him it was scary. Sure, she looked like her with the long brown hair and the tanned skin, but the personality was all him. Everything down to that smile she would use, a replica of his own.

Watching her out in the garden her mind wandered to what had happened between them, these last 10 years, it was crazy. Her life was one that was already unique compared to all the 1st grade teachers or shop keepers but still out of everything she had achieved, everything she had been through, that little girl was the one thing that had shocked her the most. The one who never failed to make her smile even on the worst of days or whenever there was a bad case.

It was actually quite funny to her because it was something she never thought she'd ever have or something she'd never be able to be- but you should thank empty bottles of tequila to that. Being a special agent as she was, the consequences of what could happen would often put you against it, but it was working out ok for the time being. But it wouldn't last forever and she knew that one day she would be hanging up her gun and badge.

Being an agent meant a whole lot to her, they were like family down at ops, but as soon as her mismatched eyes had met hers she realised that the little girl meant a lot more to her. So when the day would come she would give her life as an agent up with a smile. Her life was one she was grateful for every day no matter how stressful or scary it could be-If someone had told the 14 year old version of herself if this was what her life was going to be like she would of laughed. But then again that was before her Fathers death or how much she realised he had been training her for a life like this, it was also before she realised what family she would get and before she would meet him. But at the same time, a 'normal' life was what she found herself craving for as she got older. She could never see herself being someone like Hetty, but then again life is unpredictable and if in 15 years or so it is not how she picture it she won't be disappointed but quite the opposite, how she was brought up and how she hopes that little girl will be brought up too. She had been lucky for her life to end up how it did and when she thinks back to everyone who had been in her life as she often does, she wonders where they are now and what they are doing. All her ex partners, ones who she thought was right for her, relationships, friendships, enemies, it had been part of her life. What would it be like if they were still here? Some she still hoped they were, one in particular, but she pushes that to the back of her mind as the little girl, her little girl smiles at her, that smile.

**Teenagers – My chemical romance – **

**Teenagers scare the living s**** out of me, they could care less as long as someone will bleed…**

It happened to be one of those conversations that Deeks managed to get information out of Kensi that she was usually unwilling to share. This time it was about her High school life.

"So let me guess, you were that cheerleader that the guys admired but were scared to get close to because they knew you wouldn't think twice about blowing their heads off" He joked, leaning onto his table. This was what hours of paperwork had been turned into. Callen and Sam where in the gym, unable to save her and now she had dug herself a hole she couldn't get out of.

"No, Deeks" She sighed tuning a page on her paper work.

"Ok, so what type where you?" He was intrigued.

"Well, it varied" She laughed. "You'll have to be more specific"

He had her full and undivided attention. This was so amazing.

"Ok, did you ever go on those wild underage drinking nights?"

"A few" She smirked, knowing what his reaction would be. She never really shared much about her past life and he knew certain bits about it but not half enough.

"So, you would get drunk at these parties after hours of snuggling up to that dark haired senior you would disappear into the rooms with him? Or maybe you and your friend-"

"Ew, Deeks! I was 15!" She turned over a page in the paper work." Does this really matter?"

"Yes! Who would have known that this Kensi existed?" He smirked. "Thought you were serious from birth"

"I was quite easy going, but it all changed after my Father's death." She paused and looked at him. He knew more about her than anyone ever did, he got to her like that; get her to let those barricaded walls down brick by brick. She continued;

"I was always a good student and though I wasn't a cheerleader I was still quite sporty. But when he died, I don't know, I changed. I moved to a school very far away, I became so focused on finding the truth of what happened to him that my social life wasn't a main priority. I had a few friends but really I was just a nobody…. Sometimes the cheerleaders would look down on me because I never shared anything… I only really started to get the real me back in college"

His point was mute and with all honesty she let a sigh of relief rush inside her. She did not want to share her high school experience with him. She wasn't just a nobody, she was tortured. _They _hated she was so mysterious, that she was not 'in' with all the gossip, so some would ridicule her just to get a good story to spread round. She was that kid who would put up with the nonchalant invisibility until they needed some new gossip.

She would put up with the gossip about her, her love life, even her opinions, but it was when they brought her family into it she would flip. To an extent _they_ knew neither of her parents were around and a select few of her friends knew why. So when they would start a rumour about her Father, let's just say she wasn't afraid to act out about it. But that would make it worse.

"Kensi? Are you ok I didn't mean to bring anything back up, I'm sorry-"

"No, its fine, _I'm fine"_ She realised that her eyes were glazing over with tears and she pushed it past, burying her work in her paperwork.

"If it makes you feel any better, because I couldn't afford braces until sophomore year, so when I got them no one else had them. I was 'braces' up until I was a junior. Think about how much of a killer that was with the girls?" She let out a little smile; it was all he needed though to know she wasn't mad at him.

"High school sucked" He spoke

"But college on the other hand-" She cut herself out, cringing for the pain she had just caused herself. From the corner of her eyes she saw his head shoot up, his blue eyes full of pure delight.

"So what happened in college, Kensi?" He asked his voice a chime – what had she done?

**Shake it out - Florence and the machine**

**Regrets collect like old friends  
Here to relive your darkest moments  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
And all of the ghouls come out to play…**

Everyone has thoughts and memories they don't want to share. They haunt and taunt us, ridicule even the bravest of lives and when they gnaw at your very flesh and take you to a place that can only described as darkness, only then will you start to feel the loneliness they were to bring. Kensi Blye was no exception. She could not understand how those 8 years, everything could be so different.

_It was when he came back. Early July and the sun was bright in the sky shining right onto her tanned neck and slender body but she did not care. He was back and lying on the couch in his familiar space with his feet on the coffee table watching the game on the TV. It was a sight she was only just getting used to. He had been gone 10 months and in that time she had begrudgingly gotten used to the fact that he was not there. His clothes where never in her washing pile and that his sweet kisses were never planted on her cheeks. But now they were there in the plenty. _

_ From the kitchen doorway she stood, bringing out the takeout on plates for them to eat from. They had decided nothing major for his return. They'd do something in a few nights when he was rested. Putting them on the coffee table he sat up from the slouching position and smiled with delight._

"_Bon appetite" She spoke smiling back at him and went to grab her fork but he took her hand and stopped her._

"_I am so glad I'm back" He said with sincerity, "When I was out there I saw many things, some bad" He paused as if to bite back on what he had seen, but she waited patiently, he quickly continued "But some beautiful things. But you, Kensi Blye, are the most beautiful I've ever seen" He looked nervous and she blushed. God she had missed him._

"_I'm glad you're back too." Leaning in for a kiss he pushed back and confusion fell over her. Letting go of her hand he fumbled into his pocket._

"_That is why, I am, err, asking you…this." He paused then took a deep breath. "…Will you marry me?"_

Everything had been so well. That is what haunted her the most. It was a happily ever after moment and everything was coming to place. So how did it turn so bad? How did something like they had turn jut go ugly? Because, at the end of the day, what they had was magical. She should have seen in sooner but love can hide the cracks and scars with it illusion. One that can tare people apart, almost like it did to her.

It was in the same week. It only took one week for it to happen.

_The night was humid and oppressive; she could not sleep. The tossing and turning was tedious and despite wanting sleep, she knew he couldn't. Sighing, she reached out to feel his presence, but he was not there._

"_Jack?" he shouted out but there was no answer. Maybe he went to the bathroom, but the light wasn't on. So with defeat she got up to search for him. Pulling down the night shirt, that had risen to her waist while she attempted sleep; she went to look for him._

_It would have almost hit her if she hadn't have ducked. The power was still felt on her arm and she ducked out the way. Herself grabbing her gun from the close table._

"_Jack!" She shouted, unsure who the shooter was._

"_How do you know my name" He screamed back sending four bullets hitting the door frame to the left of her._

"_I'm your fiancé!"_

_There was silence and then a whimper. Flicking on the light she saw him so helpless crouching in the floor, his hands shielding his eyes as he sobbed._

"_Kensi, I am so sorry" He pleaded. "I-I thought I w-was back…there" She just walked over to him and crouched next to him._

"_It's ok" She spoke, though herself she was unsure if it was._

It was diagnosed a week later what he had. That was all she had gotten after months of him away, A day of pure happiness. But in the end nothing could stop him. He became aggressive and overpowered her. She hid his gun in fear and he'd lash out, saying he needed it for the war. But she said it wasn't his fault. She couldn't bear to leave him. Until he left her.

That was when the darkness had come. Loneliness and tears. No one could find her, just like she couldn't find him that Christmas morning. Everything had seemed lifeless and bare. Her laugh was a forgotten sound and her smile a forgotten emotion. Love became just a myth.

But that was 8 years ago. That was the past and part of her life she hoped to one day forget with the pain it had caused her. But until then she had something to lean on. Picking up the phone she dialled the number and on the third ring he picked up.

"What's up, Wikipedia?" His voice echoed down the phone.

"Hi, Deeks, I err, remembered. Can you come over?"

"Say no more" And with that he hung up and she knew that he would be here with a shoulder to lean on.

**Jason Walker – What if I told you?**

"**What if I told you, Who I really was ,What if I let you in on my charade?, What if I told you, What was really going on, No more masks and no more parts to play**

Oh there's so much I want to say  
But Im so scared to give away  
Every little secret that I hide behind…"

It had been a silent day, not major case, no lives to save, just a whole lot of paperwork. His wrist had cramp and his head was beginning to mould the words together. Many had given up – or finished, long ago and from his desk in ops he could hear the laughter coming from the couch. To be more presice, he could hear Kensi's laugh. She sat there with Callen, Nell and Eric talking in a bubbily voice about something very interesting.

"I just don't get it!" Eric groaned in defeat. "Girls are confusing! Why do you want to know Posh and Becks every move? "

"Who doesn't?" Both Kensi and Nell spoke at the ame time and they all laughed. It was stange for Kensi to show anything a stereotypical female would love. She was baisically one of the guys, but it just made him Love her more. _Love? _No, he mean't like. Really really like. Sighing, he began to re consentrate on the paper work, which was made even harder when Sam finished and joined them. Stupid paper work. He tried again but then he heard her laugh, that beautiful laugh. Stupid Kensi and her adorable laugh. No, Stupid Kensi for not actually being stupid but quite the opposite.

It wasn't that bad, his pile was considerably smaller than from when he started but it seemed near impossible to continue on. Groaning in disear he hit his head on the desk.

"Deeks, just give up, Join us" Kensi Turned to look at him sith a smile on her face. He contemplated it and it sounded really good.

"Or we can go and practice combat in the gym" She suggested and that sounded really good too, her body all hot and sweaty wrestling with him. It sounded too good and he knew he might not be able to control himself, So he just got up to join them.

Eventually Nell and Eric left to work on some computers. Sam went to see his children and Callen, Beign the lone wolf he is, Went to the fireing range.

He couldn't help but smile at her when she sat there so rexlaxed on the settee. Her face was just so beautiful and that smile, how it would light up a room. He had never seen such a beautiful women, out of everyone he had ever been with, they all seemed mute to her.

"What?" She smiled, staring at him both.

"Nothing, Just that… I'm really glad you're my partner." He felt his cheeks slowly turn crimson under her gaze. He had just said that, but he meant it.

"I'm glad you're my partner too"

He couldn't help but look at her even more. He couldn't deny that just the beautiful sound of her voice sent hills through him yet the sight of her smile made him feel warm inside. Was this how it felt to be in love? No, just to really really like someone. A lot. Maybe one day he would tell her, that maybe they could be more than partners. He had thought of it, more than he probably should. But was it the best for them? They still had to much to tell eachother, some secrets should be kept. Like the fact that no matter how much he denied it, he was truly and unconditionaly in love with Kensi Blye.

**Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran**

**Your heart's against my chest, Lips pressed to my neck  
I've fallen for your eyes  
But they don't know me yet  
And the feeling I forget, I'm in love now**

Her lips trembled softly at his touch.

"Deeks" She breathed, feeling the heat between them grow so that it became a sauna of chemistry. He ran his hands through her long brown hair. At the sound of her whispering his name made him jus want her more. Moving his lips once again to hers he felt the rush between them explode and she stopped fighting it and intead let him in, making the kiss deeper.

He wanted more than anything to rip that dress off her, who wouldn't? It was cut in all the right places and gripping to her to show what an amazing figure she had. Pushing her up against the wall she wrapped her legs around him, pulling her close. It was now the opposite of refusal, instead she was urging him on. She wanted this too ashis lips wandered away from hers and to her neck, his hands too wandering down her back.

"Deeks" She mouthed again. "Deeks, Wake up…"

He sat upright almost immediatley and with a sigh he realised he was back in ops, asleep on the chair in the corner.

"Hello sleepy head" She spoke, sitting on the arm of the sette with two cups of coffee. "Here I got you this" She handed him one of the cups and gave him a friendly smile.

It took him a few moments to realise that this was actually reality and not just another dream. But in all fairness he wished this was a dream and the previous wasn't. God he wished it. Yawning he groggily strecthed and scrunched his face.

"Thanks" He murmured, taking the coffee of her.

"I would have let you sleep but were needed in ops" She said and got up wating for him to follow. Getting up himself he took a sip of his coffee, just how he liked it.

"Did you have a good dream?" Looks like you where" She giggled and he flushed red.

"Maybe, Why was I talking?" Asking he looked down, if she knew what he was dreaming about.

"No but your face was moving a lot and you were mumbling" Laughing they walked into briefing. If only it was true… Godamit.

**Blink 182 first date**

**In the car I just can't wait, to pickyou uponour very first date…**

Slowly brushing her long tatted hair she stared directly at herself in the morror. She had a towel wrapped around her and wet hair in which she was about to dry after she was about to do her make up.

It was not a date. No. It was the comlete opposite of a date.

Or at least that is what she told her self. But something inside her was plucking at her heart and created this sensation within her. They shouldn't have even come onto the idea and yet, here they were. It had been another one of those times when she had got all dressed up, looked absoloutly stunning, and then fell into the closest water you could find (this one being the far too large aquarium in a rather rich italian business mans' house. It was always her and to the others it was becoming quite funny but to her it was just a nucense. And another reminder as to the only reason to get dressed up was to fall headfirst into water.

So when Deeks suggested drinks she was happy to go and forget about the whole day. Unfortunatley no one else could go, so what did deeks suggest?

"_Let me take my favourite girl out somewhere nice_"

And now look what she had got herself into. Sighing she walked to her wardrobe to see what to wear. It was shortlisted between two, a lacy black one or a soft flowy blue one. He was to be here in ten minutes and something rose into her stomach. She would have liked to pass it of as dread but truth be told, she wasn't dreading this at all.

The night of LA was one unique to only here. It was like nothing ever seen before, it was amazing. His car was among many waiting at traffic lights, music strumming out and his fingers tapping the steering wheel. You could argue it was like anyother night but to him it might as well have been the first night on the earth. Strage felling of nervousness rose in his belly, like he was back in higschool again, going on his first date with the sophmore girl he had been crushing on. But this wasn't a date. No. It was the complete opposite.

At least that was what he wanted to think. But what he wanted and what he was thinking were two completely different things. He was about 10 minutes away from where she lived and though her had been there plenty times before this time felt different. New. But pushing every thought about this ever being nothing more than two friends going out for a meal he continued to drive, letting the music take over his every thought.

Eventually he turned up her street and stopped outside her house. Killing the engine he checked the time on his phone, he was a few minutes early so he decided to wait, half because he didn't want to seem eager and half because he couldn't find the courage to knock on the door. Her bedroom light was on and though the curtain was shut he could see her silouette still getting ready. After a while he saw her dissapear and it grew to his conclusion that she was ready. So he sent her a text.

"Just turning down your street, be there in a few."

He then took a deep breath. It was going to be ok, besides it was not like he was going to have to be polite to a confronting father or not find anything to say. He knew her and she knew him. Just two friends. That's all.

Or that's what they both wanted to believe because after all, a relationship like there's they could not hide it forever. He would walk to her door eventually and she will look stunning, enough to take his breath away. He will take her to a restaurant and they'll walk across the beach. They'd come across a fair and she'd challenge him to a gun fireing competition and it will draw a crowd as their competiveness got the better of them. But he'd let her win because she looked so cute as her eyes would light up with delight. And then, when he drove her beck he would fight the urge to kiss her, because that was them. That was there 'thing'. But one day they's overcome it. One day Ray would get a call.

**Slow Dancing In a burning Room – **

**It's not a silly little moment  
It's not the storm before the calm  
This is the deep and dying breath of  
this love that we've been working on**

No one ever truly understood them. They would interpritate and have educated guesses, but not one person could actually understand them. Speaking 'Densi' was a lot harder than it looked.

For example, the vacent stare he would give her durning briefing last week. Or how everytime Kensi said something to everyone else, he would get the real meaning.

Ok, sometimes you could get it right. One of the easiest to interprite is why they where having a petty fight because after all, it was most likely about who got to drive. But then they would do something that confuse you all over again. But At least they could understand eachother. It is what made them 'Densi' and no one else could change that.

The partnership between these was one in a million, one that could change every thing and no one could work out if it was for better or worse. They had moments that people thought 'this was it' they are going to kiss. And then they would have a bust up about something and not talk for days. They were shooting into danger, dancing in fire, walking on water, but they'd have it no other way.

They were smart people; they could go undercover like that – skilled liars. So when they came to hide the biggest secret of all, they did so for months until finally, they messed up. But that wasn't for a while. They were 'Densi' after all. That counts for something.

**With or with out you**

**Through the storm we reach the shore  
You give it all but I want more  
And I'm waiting for you  
With or without you**

"Do you ever get sick of disappearing?" She asked him staring at him in disbelief. Again she wore his jumper, it was becoming a regular sight these days, when she was so insecure about something. Comfort was what she needed and somehow his jumper could quench that for a while.

"We need to talk, Can I come in?" He asked, shivering in the late October night. Sighing walked back into her living room and sat on the couch pulling her legs close to her and resting her chin on them. She looked genuinely upset and something lurched in his stomach. It was his fault. They had not realised how dependant they were on eachother until one of them had to leave. This time it was Deeks turn to test both their partnership and relationship.

He walked in and closed the door silently and sat on the couch next to her, close enough to smell the vanilla shampoo but far enough away to respect her personal space.

"It's not my choice, Kens. I am still LAPD-."

"Screw LAPD!" She lashed out suddenly then retracted her anger and curled even closer in a ball. "Why won't you become one of us? You are practically part of the team so what is it? Are you scared?" She couldn't even look at him with fear she would start to cry. This would be the third time in two months that he would be going undercover in a dangerous drug cartel. The first time had been just for a few days and was an easy case. But when they got a new lead he just vanished like that, for two weeks, without even a phone call and he just knew she hadn't forgiven him for that. How could she? But it was becoming tedious to him; he wanted the old Kensi back. Not this one.

"No. I just –" He tried with her but she cut him off.

"Just what?!"

"I would tell you if you let me finish!" He retorted back with more anger than he intended. They fell silent, so rare for them.

"It's complicated. Being LAPD is a lot more than a career to me. It was something that was the first decent thing I had. It put everything I had been through look like a dramatic journey. I feel happy there"

"And NCIS doesn't make you feel like that? We are like family there, does being there not make you feel happy? Being there with me-" She asked, coming to stare at him. It was her eyes, they looked so broke.

"It does. I'm not an agent Kensi"

"Yes you are! You just don't want to take a chance! You can't because you are scared what might happen, for you, for us."

"That's not true..."

"Then why not, Deeks. You don't understand how I feel about this. I don't know where you're going, I can't protect you, I…" She choked off on her words. "If something was to happen to you..."

"You don't need to worry, nothing will happen to me. I swear." He moved closer to her and he saw her body shaking slightly, she looked broken. Was this really what it was about? What had happened to her?

"Deeks you can't leave me. Not now." And that was all it took. She burst into tears. In an instant he pulled her close.

"What's happened, Kensi?" But again she just continued to cry. So he just held her. Letting her tears pour into his shirt.

He couldn't leave her. Not like this. Her body was shaking clinging onto him so vulnerable and so unlike Kensi. He just wanted to make her feel better, stop the pain.

But was he the pain?

"Jack." She eventually chocked up and his eyes flew to hers.

"What about him?" Asking, he stroked her long curling hair and kissed her forehead. She was silent for a few minutes until she spoke again.

"They f-found his body. In Sanfransisco. All alone and i-in his own pool of b-blood" She chocked again. Jack, her fiancé, was dead. She continued to speak after a moment of silence.

"Apparently he tried to r-rejoin the army b-but they wouldn't let him. So he left, he left me to find a way. He s-stopped taking his medication a-and he couldn't think straight. He was found with a-a gun, committed suicide." She sobbed again. He knew Jack was her first love, he was her everything and now he was gone, just like that. Never to return.

That little glimmer of hope that he might, just might come back. Gone like that. No matter what now that was it and he was never to return. Was that what she was thinking? That if he went away, like Jack did, he wouldn't return?

People die everyday, they kill people weekly, but that did not make them hollow towards death. They could only just cope with their jobs and the only thing that really got them through it was eachother. Which was why it pained him to know that he was going to have to leave her. At the worst time possible.

If he could stay with her and hold her like this forever, He would do it without a second thought. But this operation was bigger than him, than her, than any of them. If letting her down meant doing this, it would begrudgingly be done. Was there any loop hole out of this? He would climb through hoops just to stay with her.

Her crying had subsided and from the looks of it she was just whimpering against him. So vulnerable and so unlike Kensi. He wished he could say he would be here for her but in the undying truth that he was leaving in the morning was eating at him. He would be there for her, he had to, he loved her.

"It's ok, it will all be ok" He soothed but he needed to say something more. He to had lost people he loved, he knew how it felt. Saying it will be ok was like her signature 'I'm fine' – when of course everything wasn't. So he decided just to hold her and sooth her, waiting for when the tears came. He would leave in the morning, but he still had now. Pulling her even closer he wrapped himself around her and she openly welcomed it, sharing the warmth between them. The chemistry was unimaginable and the urge to kiss her was one he fought with every cell in his body. It would be inappropriate, but it would be so right. Her hair smelled so sweet as he stroked it wiping the disguarded tear from her perfect face. She was so beautiful and as he brought her over to the couch unspoken words between them hung in the air with pitchforks but he pushed them away again, at least for today. His company right now was all she needed.

"He will always be with you." He murmured to her. "Just as much as I will always be with you, you carry round him in your heart" She looked at him, watery eyed, and then nuzzled closer to him as if for comfort. This was the first time she had ever lay with him like this but it felt just so right. The TV murmured in the distance and the absent noises from outside life echoed through but they could care less. He was with almost undoubted certainty that he had to be with her.

"Thank you" She spoke suddenly, still lying on his chest with eyes closed and holding back the tears. Feeling his muscily chest rise and fall relaxed her as they shared heat. It was with up most comfort she was feeling herself drift off.

"What are partners for" He laughed awkwardly but he knew she was most likely asleep. She looked so perfect lying there on him, it went well together and it was just so right. He hoped that through her subconscious state she felt it too. They stayed like that for a while, him not wanting to disturb her until eventually he too began to feel his eyes close.

The sun shone through slits and hitting parts of the wall with soft golden lines. It was going to be a lovely day anyone could see but it was with a sigh he awakened. If only the night could have lasted forever. But as the baby blues of his adjusted to the light he knew he would be leaving soon – he still had to go undercover without her, despite how much he hated it. She was still silently asleep on him, pulling faces that only made him smile, she was so adorable. Carefully moving himself from under her he got up and stretched. She hadn't stirred but that didn't mean he could just leave her there. He traced her face with his eyes as he moved closer to her and then scooped her up from the couch. She slightly stirred in his arms but just made herself comfier in his comforting grasp. Walking through the corridor he found her room and then opened it. The room was messy just like every other, greenish walls and oak wood. He placed her in the double bed in the middle and pulled the purple silk duvet over her body.

"I'm sorry I have to leave" He murmured to her as he watched her easily fall into a deep sleep. He was going to miss her – how long he was going to be gone for he did not know. But when he promised he was going to be there for her he meant it. Glancing at her one last time he went back into the living room and looked around it. He hated every bit of this bit he knew he had to go. This undercover mission scared him. Not because of it's guaranteed gun use, or its high risk of injury. But because the fact that if something happened to her and he was not around, or something happened to him and she didn't know, they would never know how they felt for eachother - well, of told eachother anyway. Half inclined to wake her up just to tell her he knew he could not leave without telling her at least dome inclination. He saw a piece of paper amongst other cluttered things on her coffee table and wrote on it, then sticking it to the door on the way out. That was it, done, and as he walked into the morning scenery, changing from Marty Deeks into his alias Frank Lloyd, he promised that every breath to be taken after this mission would not be wasted on half hearted banter or chatting up waitresses, it would be telling her everything. All that he had held up. All for her to know. He was not going to be Jack where he would leave her, he was going to be Marty Deeks who would be there for as long as either breathed.

She had not been the same since he had gone undercover this time, the whole of ops could see it. She was paler, weaker almost. As if a part of her had gone. For the first week she outright refused to have a new partner – even if it would only be temporary – but by the time the third week came round she knew he wasn't going to be back for a while and with defeat she was assigned a new partner.

A Guy, early thirties with dark brown hair and tamed skin. He would have been her type and in any other circumstances she would have been chatting him up. But she didn't even know what her type was anymore, not since he came into her life anyway. And everyone could see it.

This new partner of hers, Niall, was the perfect guy for the team. Quick whittled but smart and knew his place. Got on well with the guys, but even they could admit that they had grown begrudgingly warm to Deeks and the place felt silent without his or Kensi's nonchalant bickering – half the time they wondered if they even knew they were arguing or if it was just a programmed thing to do.

But truth be told she was missing him more than she would care to admit.

All the little things he did, the way he got his hair to all or the way he hid his surfboard round the back of the gym. She wasn't herself without him and she hated it. But most of all she hated that she didn't hate it at all, she was resided to the fact he was part of her, it was them two against the world no matter how cheesy that sounded. It was worse that she was moping around about it, sulking about the whole situation. She wasn't treating Niall like her partner, she wasn't trusting him or even having the banter she would have with Deeks. She refused to admit that he was her partner, if only it was only temporary.

There was no contact from him for weeks, the only thing she had was that note he had written her, she slept with it under her pillow. 'I'll always come back' and beyond anything she hoped it was true.

The days seemed longer and the nights colder not knowing where he was. Was he ok? Was he hurt? What infuriated her was that she couldn't protect him. That was her job, she was letting him down. But then again, she felt that he too was letting her down.

He was supposed to care for her and be there for her not just as partners, but as something more. They were them after all. There was no other way to say it. She could only reside on the fact that he said, no, promised, he would be back. He wouldn't break a promise to her – would he? Because he should be there through everything with her, especially when she needed him more than ever.

It was a few days into the third week of his absence she got a call on the landline. No one ever called her on that, anyone she cared for had her mobile, but still with undying hope she thought it would be him.

Her heart fell that when she picked up the phone a woman's voice echoed through.

"Kensi?" The girl's voice spoke it was familiar.

"Yes?"

"This is Lily, Jack's sister." It hit her who it was. Stumbling back to the couch and taking a seat she took in a rugged breath and exhaled again. She hadn't talked to any of his family since he left her, they blamed her. She did not know if they had any connection with him since then. Had he ever told them where he was, did he ever turn up? She knew they blamed her for his leaving – it was easy to put the blame on someone than residing to the fact of what Jack once had and what he threw away because their son had an illness.

"Oh…" She let her voice trail off with a mute point. "I'm sorry for your loss" It sounded so monotone and mute. Should she have said that? It showed she had no emotion to the whole situation. But she had tear stained shirts to show the difference.

"…I thought you had heard. I wasn't sure…" A moment passed in silence "I-I just thought you should know, his funeral is on Friday and at the church, you know the one" She did, all to well, the one where she was going to get married… "If you want to come you should. I just thought you should know."

"Thank you" She replied, like a programmed answer.

"I guess I should go… It was nice talking to you Kensi"

"You too" The line went dead.

She half expected the day to be miserable. Clouded sky and rain, everything with the dull grey atmosphere looming around it. But when she woke up in the morning she was greeted by clear skies and a warm LA breeze. The bed seemed so absent but it was better than what she would have to face today, never before had she felt so truly alone.

Her mind often wondered in the morning to where her partner was but she would push it away as today it wasn't about him, it was about Jack, The guy she almost married, the guy who left her just like that. That thought made her not want to leave where she was at all. But she fought on and heaved herself out of her bed which had been so warm and into the bathroom.

She looked quite stunning in full black. The lace of the dress sticking to her curves. She looked sensible, mournful, it was a funeral, what else did she expect? She wasn't making a bit fuss about it, she wasn't crying about it – she had done enough of that. She just wanted to pay her respects to the one she had once loved whilst not losing her face. It was not her turn to cry, he was in the past. The Jack she knew was in the past the people there will be mourning the Jack in the later years of his life as well. At least that was what she expected, she didn't know what his life had held after he left her. The months spent looking for him, the refusal to move on, built up on her until in the end giving up was the sensible thing to do, nothing was there to cry over anymore – just pay her respects that's all. Or at least what she told herself.

The time was painfully slow eating at her and watching her. It was taunting her as, of when she was ready, she sat there watching the minutes slide by until it was deemed a reasonable time to leave.

The green of the sycamores shaded the old early 19th century church. It's stone and wood structure held it in a peaceful manor and the colourful flowers of purple, yellow and red sheltered it from ever looking mournful even on a day like this when so many wore black. She almost let her mind slip to what her wedding would have looked like, the blue of the bridesmaids dresses and the pure white lace of hers. Her family and friends looking on at her throwing the confetti smiling and laughing. Now all that was a distant thought, never became a memory, never got the chance to. Letting the thought drop, the smiles fade and the 'what if' die her feet managed to make their way into the church and to the last row. She sat near the back at the edge as she doubted she was really wanted here and besides, the mild thought of surprise came across her when she noticed that the church was fairly full. Many wore uniforms of green and there at the front she noticed Jack's nephew. He must be about 9 now, she remembered holding him in her arms. But now the coffin was brought out, the silence was heard and the priest began. He was in there, lying softly. Possibly just looking like he was sleeping. That was what she held onto.

"You could have sat near the front, you know" She was almost certain it was Jacks voice that said that, it sounded so much like him but when she span round she was greeted by his brother, Jo. They looked so alike, both were military men, both had those chocolate brown eyes. It took her a few seconds to recover that it was only Jo, it only ever will be now.

"It seemed a little rude, you are his family-."

"We always classed you as family, Kensi. You would be if-if things had been different." A smile came to his face as his hand went to hers and squeezed it. It was not in a flirty way; moreover, in comfort. Jack had been a junior and her a sophomore when they had met. Jo was in her year, she knew him too, they were close but after all that had happened they never talked.

"Honestly, I thought you all blamed me for what happened" She spoke looking into those eyes for any reassurance.

"I never did. That matters the most, at least to me" He sighed and let go of her hand. "I have lost more than a brother to the same thing, far too many. You remember Dan. He was another lost to this, Rose-." He paused, his eyes showing weakness. "Kensi, walk with me. We're going to bury him now." She agreed acting stronger than she felt.

They walked in silence for a few minutes unsure of what to say until Kensi spoke up.

"Did you ever see him after he left?" She continued to look down walking beside him.

"Not for months. I got a call from Nevada police dept. about 6 months later. It was a long story but I drove to him and took him home. But every time he would go away. I wouldn't go back on duty until I knew he was ok." He paused and glanced at her seeing the emotion on her face. "In the end I took him to a correction facility when I went on duty. No one else could handle him you see. When I came back he seemed a changed man. I set him up a home in Santa Monica, he seemed fine for a while."

"Did he ever look for me?" She needed to know.

"All the time." The silence continued until he spoke up again. "But he was dangerous, Kensi, you have to believe me, I couldn't let him near you. He shot his own sister."

The tears came to her at that point, it was all it took. "I spent six months with him like that, I spent longer looking for him. Just a phone call to tell me!" She choked and stopped walking. "He was my everything! And then he just left- Like that!"

"I tried to sort him out Kensi. I cared for you not for you to see him like that. The best thing for you to do was to move on from him, and don't tell me you didn't because I came to look for you and I saw that blonde surfer guy." His voice was ever so louder than it should have been. They shouldn't be fighting on a day like this. They stared at eachother, realisation on there faces, sadness and anger fighting eachother. They continued to walk.

"Then how did he end up in San Diego, the way he was…found" Her voice was calm but the tears were still there.

"Mum was getting older and though she loved him, when the cracks started to show through again she couldn't cope. He moved away from Santa Monica about 2 years ago now after he promised me he'd be ok. But I had gotten promoted and I was ordered to go back on tour. He stopped taking his medication, he got the idea he needed to go back. About 6 months ago we lost him"

Silence over took them again.

"We were just waiting for this. We knew." He finished and she wanted to say something, she did, but they had the same mournful understanding between them. They came in sight with his coffin again and they took there places, her being pulled to the front. She shouldn't be there as the tears started when she saw the prayer book close. She was NCIS, she could slip away, so that is what she did. She went to the back and far away from everyone in almost a way to hide her emotion, a force field to the world. No one could break it. Well, only a few people could. She hated that, She hated the whole of this. Everything was so wrong. Jack was gone, and the other, he was no where around. A tear caused her to choke as the coffin was placed into the ground.

"I said I'll always come back" It came from next to her, a tissue being held out for her to take. Her fists clenched. She refused to face him. "I'm sorry" he spoke.

"You should be" Sniffling, that's all she could do. She hated the feeling that was growing in her stomach, the feeling of her force field being broken. His hand slid into hers, it felt so good, so right. "I will never leave again" The tears were still falling as he spoke, though she was unsure if it was for Jack leaving or the returning of him, all she knew is that they wouldn't stop.

"Kensi, face me." Slowly she turned until her face was millimetres away from his. god he looked so beautiful. A beard had grown on his face but those blue eyes full of concern.

"You should go and say goodbye" He gestured over to the crowd who were thinning, it was over.

"I should, but it can wait" Her lips were on his, like that, this was their moment; the one they had been waiting for all this time.


End file.
